Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
