I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
