Do you still have your period?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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