I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
