Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
