I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
