I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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