Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
