The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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