I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
