If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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