It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
