Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
