he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
