look no pants
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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