so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
