Im at strip club and am horny
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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