i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
