tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
as a side note pls kill me
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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