I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
