Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
