Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
