Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize