apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just want nice things and good sex
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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