Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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