Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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