I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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