She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
