if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
