Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
