so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
