haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
