Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
