I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
