"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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