Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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