He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
