Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize