I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
