So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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