I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
