my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
