I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
