i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
