there's paper in my vomit.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize