i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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