Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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