I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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