I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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