Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
