I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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