My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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