i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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