So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
