Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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