You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
