can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
