So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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