In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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