She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
