If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
pray to the hookup gods
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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