and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
